Learning To Love Me – start 8/22/20 (this was my journal entry that day after someone had challenged me to look in the mirror and tell myself I loved me)
So I looked in the mirror and tried to say it. But the truth I found, was that I don’t love me. In fact I despise me. I am more beat down and fractured than I realized, believing the lie too deeply, that I don’t deserve love. Another layer to heal that I didn’t know was underneath. Being beat down the majority of my life drove many thorns deep into me; God has been removing the visible thorns, but now, knowledge of a tip that broke off, deep inside and invisible. BUT GOD loves me too much to let it stay hidden inside, continuing to poison me; so HE has opened me up for surgery. And I’m ok with that.
I choose today to start the journey of learning how to love me. Asking God to help me love me. And declaring in the mirror, that I WILL love me.
The person who helped instigate this surgery journey had said: “When you start to love yourself you will then be able to allow other people to love you. You are a beautiful queen and you must truly believe that in order to heal.”
I had started praying Psalm 103:1-5 over me and our family 2 days prior to this.
“Bless the LORD, O my soul; And all that is within me, bless His holy name! Bless the LORD, O my soul, And forget not all His benefits: Who forgives all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases, Who redeems your life from destruction, Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies, Who satisfies your mouth with good things, So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.”
Psalms 103:1-5 NKJV
Then God gave me a word yesterday when listening to an unrelated podcast: to “stop worrying about yesterday’s’ mistakes as a parent with kids, it’s gone. God gives what’s needed for TODAY.”
I cry when God speaks to me because I’m still overwhelmed that God would speak to little ole me.
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This is the end of the fragmented journal entry, but I stumbled across it again today, 14 months later and saw that the Hand of God was doing way more than I could have ever imagined. From a place of darkness, He has brought me into the Light!
Present day – 10/23/21
Little did I know that almost immediately after penning the words in that journal entry, I would start on the journey to a physical surgery at the same time. What had started as a bulging disc in my low back and making good progress in physical therapy to correct, suddenly turned into my body going haywire and us not knowing what was going on. After an MRI of my entire spine; finding many things causing issues; one thing was discovered that could only be treated by surgery. A Tarlov Cyst on my C7 nerve root (that’s at the base of the neck). So, the referrals to the neurosurgeon, the diagnostic nerve root blocks and all the things to determine if I was a candidate for surgery began. Exactly 10 months later I was in the operating room having neurosurgery on my neck.
I now sit 14 months after beginning this journey of learning to love myself, accepting the loving surgery of God, our Great Physician, and 4 months after neurosurgery. Looking back over the last year, I can see that God did a lot of different surgeries in me and in my life. There was a physical surgery. There was a relationship surgery. There was surgery to my innermost being. And there was spiritual heart surgery. There’s a song that is fitting here that says, “God is digging all my roots up”. Like the expert hand of my neurosurgeon, the expert hand of God, our Great Physician, was performing surgery in me to dig out deep rooted lies and remove thorns that had dug in deep and were still poisoning me. And just like the Tarlov cyst on the nerve root effected my whole body, so also that broken off tip of a thorn hidden and invisible was affecting my whole being.
This last year was full of much pain, but also much healing by God as I learned to love me as HE loves me. You see God tells me that I am: blessed, chosen, accepted, redeemed, forgiven, known, sealed, holy, God’s workmanship, LOVED, saved, child of God (Ephesians 1-2). In Him I am free! “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32) The truth is GOD LOVES ME and that frees me from the lies that poison me and tell me I am worthless. Surgery was necessary to free me to be able to experience the fullness of God’s love. You see, it’s not about me loving me, it’s about GOD loving me! And I learned that even though what that person said to me sounded pretty, it was not the truth.
Isaiah 43:1-3 (replace Jacob & Israel with your name as you read the below Scripture)
1 But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.
3 For I am the Lord your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
Today, I can look in the mirror and smile radiantly at myself and say I love me. I love me because God loves me, He adores and cherishes me, I am precious and honored in His sight (Isaiah 43:4), He covers me with His robe of righteousness (Isaiah61:10), by His stripes I am healed (Isaiah 53:5), He loved me so much He sent His Son to die for me (John 3:16 & Romans 5:8), I love because He first loved me (1 John 4:19). If the God of the universe Who created me can love me this much, and He has placed His love inside of me, then I can love me, I can love my kids more and I can love all the people around me with His love…and that’s a lot of LOVE.
Love is also a boundary. Lack of boundaries for sake of trying to be nice, is not loving at all. Boundaries are loving and boundaries allow love to grow. God Himself sets boundaries for me and the boundary lines which He has set for me are pleasant (Psalm 16:6). I have “come to know and to believe the love that God has for [me]. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him” (1John 4:16). So, I will abide in God and I will love the Lord God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength (Deut. 6:5), and through Him I will love myself and love others, for HE LOVES THE WHOLE WORLD!
Written by
Sarah Pittmann
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Beautiful words, my sweet friend! They encouraged me today. Thank you!
Sarah Pittmann says:
Thanks and you’re welcome! I’m glad they encouraged you!
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